As a woman …
1. I have a much lower chance of being murdered than a man.
2. I have a much lower chance of being driven to successfully commit suicide than a man.
24. My role in my child’s life is generally seen as more important than the child’s father’s role.
Now let’s see how many so-called feminists dismiss this with “LOL! What about teh MENZ!” or accuse me of being a misogynist, or engage in sexist/misandrist attacks on me rather than engage the substance of the article, or even resort to all of the above.
This list’s main flaw is that reducing, as it does, a multi-dimensional issue down to a single side is not constructive — rather, it obscures the real issues and fails to contribute to their solution.
Actually, let’s talk about this list format for a minute. There are a number of these lists and probably enough scope for discussion to fuel a college course. What seems to be the most notable male-privilege list is here, at Alas! A Blog. It was inspired by a list of similar nature discussing white privilege. The list under discussion now is a response/rebuttal which also adopts the list-approach.
Also, note that not everyone agrees on how to use the word “privilege.” Unfortunately, this problem occurs perpetually with language and we must persist in our attempts to communicate in its spite. On the topic of language: I mostly intend to describe the experience of cisgender folks when I say “women” and “men” here because trans* people interact with and experience the same gender rules and roles in different and more complicated ways. I’m sorry to neglect your experience.
I wish specifically to discuss one list, the list which has been absorbed into, and is now circulating, tumblr (links above). I’m am attempting neither to confirm nor to refute the validity of the concept of “privilege” in the context of feminism (or the multiplicity of lists employing it). Just this list. Let’s get started.
Bullet numbers 4, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18 and 19 all concern our perceptions of what is masculine vs. feminine:
4. I have probably been taught that it is acceptable to cry.
11. If I shy away from fights, it is unlikely that this will damage my standing in my peer group or call into question my worthiness as a sex partner.
12. I am not generally expected to be capable of violence. If I lack this capacity, this will generally not be seen as a damning personal deficiency.14. If I attempt to hug a friend in joy, it’s much less likely that my friend will wonder about my sexuality or pull away in unease.
15. If I seek a hug in solace from a close friend, I’ll have much less concern about how my friend will interpret the gesture or whether my worthiness as a member of my gender will be called into question.
16. I generally am not compelled by the rules of my sex to wear emotional armor in interactions with most people.18. I am allowed to wear clothes that signify ‘vulnerability’, ‘playful openness’, and ’softness’.
19. I am allowed to BE vulnerable, playful, and soft without calling my worthiness as a human being into question.Traits like vulnerability and softness, and the display of emotion, are really what’s under attack here. They are considered weak, negative, inferior, and feminine. When a man displays emotion or admits weakness, he is exhibiting traditionally feminine traits and this is to his detriment. We (including myself) expect women (such as myself) to do this because women are already feminine by default — they have no masculinity to relinquish; their is no demotion. A woman who cries does not have her worthiness as a member of her gender questioned but she does have her status as a rational, strong person questioned — and this is questioned every day regardless, because she is a woman.
This is a good point to note that a woman who behaves more aggressively — in a more masculine manner, that is — is not considered more masculine and does not have her femininity called into question. She’s labeled a “bitch,” which is a very female-associated term.
The phrase “whether my worthiness as a member of my gender will be called into question” is very telling. Masculinity, it seems, is preferable, and must be earned. Much of homophobia (against gay men) is rooted here, which is why men must hesitate to be affectionate with one another. Many derogatory words for gay men highlight weakness and femininity — “pansy”, “nancy boy”. Gay men are considered inferior because their masculinity is suspect. It’s funny because you’ve gotta be tough to put up with that shit.
It’s interesting that it’s considered a privilege not to have your sexual orientation questioned. And by ‘interesting’ I mean ‘implicitly homophobic.’
Additionally, women tend not to have their orientation questioned by men because many men are unlikely to suspect or believe that women might prefer women. Among women, it’s lesbians who have their orientation questioned. Every. Freaking. Day.
This disrespect of vulnerability&c. hurts everyone — everyone who suppresses their feelings, everyone who can’t express themselves, everyone who does and is shamed for it, and everyone who wishes to have any kind of relationship with such a person. No one, regardless of gender, should be ashamed to experience or exhibit emotions.
You know what? It’s not easy to express yourself, it’s not easy to allow intimacy. It takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength and wisdom to understand yourself and to communicate that understanding.
If the concepts of weakness, emotion, softness and vulnerablity were uncoupled from femininity AND femininity uncoupled from inferiority, both sexes would reap the benefits. Let’s fight that fight that instead of quibbling about who has the short end of the stick.
That’s the important bulk of my argument, but I will address the remaining points below the cut (this statement only makes sense if you view this post from a tumblr dashboard).
PSA from @feministhulk:
^FTW.
